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I’m a closeted chicken

July 22, 2010

There may be a reason I’m posting this on my lowest readership day but whateves because I’m only putting this out there so that I can hold myself accountable and actually do something that I WANT to do but am AFRAID to do.

Hmmm, should I leave it at that?  No, no, no, I’ve actually sort of got what I want to say in my head already and if I don’t get it out then it’s going to bug me.

So here goes, I am terrible at making friends.  I’m become awkward and anti social, and really just try to disappear when faced with social situations where there is a larger group than 4 or when I don’t know anyone.  Often times after these things are over with, I sit and self analyze my every move, wondering how many people thought I was a total weirdo or were silently thankful when I left.  I’m almost regretting writing all of this, it will probably shock some people because I’ve made no secret about how I feel about my life.  I LOVE my life, I have an awesome husband and kids, I love my house, I love how I spend my time, I love my friends, but no offense to those of you who are in my inner circle (lol, all TWO of you) but I kinda wish there were more of you!  Not just anyone will do though, I want someone who will actually enrich my life, and not be toxic.  Does that make sense?  I don’t really care about like interests, just like values.   Of course it would be nice to find someone who is a sewer too since I’m a beginner, but whatever!

So, here I am.  Twenty nine and getting butterflies about going to meet some new people on Wednesday night.  I feel like it’s my first day of school at a new school.  I’m worried about what to wear, how much makeup or jewelery to put on and I’m worried that these women will all be a close circle of friends and I will be sitting at the table with my diet coke, not able to express anything or worse, to have them not care.

OK Fast forward TWO days

I have done it and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, I had a good time even!  I’m proud of myself for following through, but I have to admit that I was going to flake until my husband practically booted me out the front door.  Seriously, he made me.  He even told me he wanted me to bring home a coaster to prove I went somewhere.  They didn’t have coasters though 😦

Anyway, I’m not really sure why I have this anxiety about new situations.  I ALWAYS have, and through out my childhood, youth, and teen years my FEAR and ANXIETY has held me back from SO many situations and experiences.  Things that friends did, or things I read about or saw on t.v. and said to myself ‘hey, that looks like fun!’  I just couldn’t ever get past the fear.  And if you won’t judge me too harshly I’ll admit that fear was my reason for not going to university.  I didn’t know anyone who had been accepted to the same one as me and instead I decided to go to college instead where a boyfriend and a couple of friends were going.   Mind you I enjoyed my time in college but I have always had that pang of ‘ugh WHAT a stupid decision THAT was’ in the back of my head.  It wasn’t even fear of failure, it was fear of being in a new situation that kept me away.  pang pang pang…

But here I am, as I said almost thirty twenty nine and I am recognizing that this fear is getting in my way and if I don’t do something about it now then really when will I.  I don’t want to be turning 40 and having the same feelings.  I want to try things, and do new things but things that I actually want to do.

Does anyone ever feel this way?  Am I a total freak?  You know what totally wants to make me change though?  It’s Cake!  She is fearless, she will walk right up to a group of kids in the park and say ‘hi, I’m Cake, want to play?’  Most of the times the girls just ummm stare at her but sometimes a child will respond and play with her.  I don’t want her to loose that fearlessness to just go up to someone, even though she has been rejected more times than accepted.  I want to be a good role model for her, and teach her that even grown ups need friends that you need more than ONE source of happiness in your life; the term well rounded comes to mind really.

I’m late posting this for a Thursday morning but I didn’t want to write this last night when I was in analyze my behaviour mode.  Now the kids have piled up about 25 books around me, waiting to be read.  Thank-goodness they are mostly all Reading Rods Readers, and the accompanying letter blocks are stashed safely away!

Hugs,

Jenn

I feel like I haven’t taken a single photo this week, I must find the time to figure out what Cake has done to the setting on my camera TODAY!

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Stephanie permalink
    July 22, 2010 2:15 pm

    Newest Follower! I hope you can stop in and see me at http://www.hootiebee.blogspot.com

  2. Shannon permalink
    July 22, 2010 2:50 pm

    Jenn- Many of feel this way. You’d be surprised at how many people would like to get to know you. Maybe they are closet chickens. 🙂

    Shannon

  3. July 22, 2010 4:51 pm

    wow. here I was just perusing from BF and you stopped me dead in my tracks. Thoughts of lunch went ‘swoosh’ out the window and here I am typing. I too am horrible at making friends. I’m not shy but gone are my days of just walking up to people and saying “hey I’m EA who are you?” which leaves me nearly 4 years into my new neighborhood and not a friend in sight. Maybe it’s the angry ex-brooklynite face or the fact that I’m still trying to find out where I fit in, in this world. (which makes getting to know you’s a little weird)
    Thanks for this post.
    EA

  4. July 22, 2010 5:38 pm

    I think it is brave. Doing new things, especially when we don’t want too, is brave.

    I am a real introvert and can find new situations scary. I feel like I talk too much, too loudly and say the wrong things. And maybe I do. Or maybe I just think I do.

    Glad you had a good time.

  5. July 22, 2010 7:35 pm

    Wow, I never would have considered you shy (hence my comment about the rain). Sorry i didn’t end up going with you, if i would have realized i would have shaken off the head pain and gone… Glad you went, and had a good time too.

    Not surprising though, the KitC ladies don’t seem too scary 😉

  6. Rachel permalink
    July 22, 2010 8:02 pm

    I really would like to get back into going to Church and this exact thing holds me back. Shouldn’t God be my friend in his house? Also wanted to do aquasize and found a friend (finally) to go with after years of procrastination. I think it’s only natural to not want to be lonely.

  7. July 22, 2010 9:41 pm

    You have no idea kindred spirit. http://readitin7days.com/2010/07/09/sometimes-i-wish-i-were-normal-instead-of-sad/

    It’ll be alright. Maybe this will cheer you up too? You won an award! Check out my blog. http://readitin7days.com

    Geez that’s two links to my site, I feel spammy. Feel free to delete the message if you like, but do check out the first one. We’re a lot alike.^^

    • July 23, 2010 1:39 pm

      Awwww thanks Melanie, that’s awesome! I’ll take a peek and look at the other award-ees!

  8. July 23, 2010 12:25 am

    ¸.•..¸.•*¨Hopping in from Thursdays Blog Hop! Im your new follower!

    I think everyone is a little like that I know I am. It wasn’t until later on in life I was told it was social anxiety. Im not saying thats what you have, just saying. WHich was weird to hear since I had a lot of friends in school. Non made by me going outward and seeking sort of just happens in school. Nowadays its harder because Im not a social(in person) kinda gal.. Online.. shoot Ill talk to everyone and anyone all day long!

    But even walking from the car to the store, i feel people watching me and Im thinking how do i look what are they thinking I way over self analyze. Like anyone cares I wore my pajama pants to circle k LOL. But you are in no way a freak. ☺ I promise everyone has a little self concisnious (Wish I knew how to spell that)about themselves.

    Hope you can come on by and return the follow♥

    Reviews & Giveaways
    TheChickenista

    ~Veronica

    Off to the next great blog!¸.•..¸.•*¨

  9. July 23, 2010 1:21 am

    I’m glad you came! I hope you come out again, there are a lot of fabulous women who come to the events and tons of new friend opportunities 🙂

  10. July 23, 2010 8:24 pm

    I hope this doesn’t sound the wrong way but I am so glad that I’m not the only one that feels this way! I over analyze, self analyze, replay conversations and wonder if I said the right things all the time! It drives me nuts. I really hate being so anxious but I too have always been this way. I have very few friends that are “real” and never knew how many others felt this way until I started getting older. I guess we all have insecurities that we hide from the world. I just wish it was easier to overcome them! Life sure is a fickle thing 🙂

  11. July 25, 2010 3:16 am

    What you’re talking about is more normal than you think. Why do people form cliques? Because there is comfort. Reaching out to people takes effort and selfLESSness, which is contrary to human nature. I can swing from one extreme to the other, but find it takes more effort to extend my hand and ask the new person their name .I read once that we all practice being the kind of person we wish we could find. When I have been brave and thought, “You know, they may be sitting there wondering if anyone is going to talk to them, or ask them their name…” then I feel kindness overcoming fear. It’s really an act of love, and it’s hard to love when we’re too focused on ourselves and how we look and what are people thinking, etc etc. It is indeed more blessed to give (a handshake, a smile, an introduction, etc) than to wait around in self-pity to receive the same gesture. I am so prone to it but have to rely on God to love people through me and help me get my eyes off myself.

  12. July 25, 2010 3:17 am

    I meant we all *should* practice being the kind of person we wish we could find.

  13. July 25, 2010 8:10 pm

    As so many others have said before me, you are not alone in feeling the way you do and the fact that you overcame your anxiety to go out to the gathering was brave of you. I’m glad that you enjoyed yourself and the next time will be easier. I just think it is part of your nature as I am the same way. I am extremely self-conscious and would rather melt into a crowd than stand out in on. One of the best ways to feel more at ease when in new situations with new people is to always direct the conversation towards the other person/s. Ask them about themselves, likes, interests etc. Once they respond, it usually leads to more questions etc. and before you know it, the conversation is flowing and you are comfortable 🙂

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