I’m a closeted chicken
There may be a reason I’m posting this on my lowest readership day but whateves because I’m only putting this out there so that I can hold myself accountable and actually do something that I WANT to do but am AFRAID to do.
Hmmm, should I leave it at that? No, no, no, I’ve actually sort of got what I want to say in my head already and if I don’t get it out then it’s going to bug me.
So here goes, I am terrible at making friends. I’m become awkward and anti social, and really just try to disappear when faced with social situations where there is a larger group than 4 or when I don’t know anyone. Often times after these things are over with, I sit and self analyze my every move, wondering how many people thought I was a total weirdo or were silently thankful when I left. I’m almost regretting writing all of this, it will probably shock some people because I’ve made no secret about how I feel about my life. I LOVE my life, I have an awesome husband and kids, I love my house, I love how I spend my time, I love my friends, but no offense to those of you who are in my inner circle (lol, all TWO of you) but I kinda wish there were more of you! Not just anyone will do though, I want someone who will actually enrich my life, and not be toxic. Does that make sense? I don’t really care about like interests, just like values. Of course it would be nice to find someone who is a sewer too since I’m a beginner, but whatever!
So, here I am. Twenty nine and getting butterflies about going to meet some new people on Wednesday night. I feel like it’s my first day of school at a new school. I’m worried about what to wear, how much makeup or jewelery to put on and I’m worried that these women will all be a close circle of friends and I will be sitting at the table with my diet coke, not able to express anything or worse, to have them not care.
OK Fast forward TWO days
I have done it and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, I had a good time even! I’m proud of myself for following through, but I have to admit that I was going to flake until my husband practically booted me out the front door. Seriously, he made me. He even told me he wanted me to bring home a coaster to prove I went somewhere. They didn’t have coasters though 😦
Anyway, I’m not really sure why I have this anxiety about new situations. I ALWAYS have, and through out my childhood, youth, and teen years my FEAR and ANXIETY has held me back from SO many situations and experiences. Things that friends did, or things I read about or saw on t.v. and said to myself ‘hey, that looks like fun!’ I just couldn’t ever get past the fear. And if you won’t judge me too harshly I’ll admit that fear was my reason for not going to university. I didn’t know anyone who had been accepted to the same one as me and instead I decided to go to college instead where a boyfriend and a couple of friends were going. Mind you I enjoyed my time in college but I have always had that pang of ‘ugh WHAT a stupid decision THAT was’ in the back of my head. It wasn’t even fear of failure, it was fear of being in a new situation that kept me away. pang pang pang…
But here I am, as I said almost thirty twenty nine and I am recognizing that this fear is getting in my way and if I don’t do something about it now then really when will I. I don’t want to be turning 40 and having the same feelings. I want to try things, and do new things but things that I actually want to do.
Does anyone ever feel this way? Am I a total freak? You know what totally wants to make me change though? It’s Cake! She is fearless, she will walk right up to a group of kids in the park and say ‘hi, I’m Cake, want to play?’ Most of the times the girls just ummm stare at her but sometimes a child will respond and play with her. I don’t want her to loose that fearlessness to just go up to someone, even though she has been rejected more times than accepted. I want to be a good role model for her, and teach her that even grown ups need friends that you need more than ONE source of happiness in your life; the term well rounded comes to mind really.
I’m late posting this for a Thursday morning but I didn’t want to write this last night when I was in analyze my behaviour mode. Now the kids have piled up about 25 books around me, waiting to be read. Thank-goodness they are mostly all Reading Rods Readers, and the accompanying letter blocks are stashed safely away!
I feel like I haven’t taken a single photo this week, I must find the time to figure out what Cake has done to the setting on my camera TODAY!